07/06/06 Wednesday, in the room of Ideal Pension

Had depressive thoughts again, at the Blue Lagoon (beach). Fuck. These vermin kept resurfacing in me. Jesus, God is like antibiotics to my mind, insulating me from these armies armed with unhappiness and depression. Hack. I do think I should really consider seeing a counsellor/psychologist to settle my mental issues once and for all. I go nuts with these thoughts of worthlessness, uselessness, … Jesus. Shit. Why do I feel different from others? Am I really different from others? Hell. I want to be well-liked by others. To come across as a witty, creative, happy and funny yet intelligent person. A person who is spontaneous yet disciplined and goal-oriented. A person who enjoys people. A relaxed person. God. There’s so many persons I would want to be. It seems as if I don’t want to be myself, that all other people are greener than me. With all these thoughts of the “ideal” me, how can I not feel worthless and depressed?

Hmm. Revelation. I feel depressed because I am not the person that I want to be. Even if I achieve the personality traits that i desire in myself, I suppose I will still never feel satisfied and contented. Because of this desire inside me to constantly be the person who I want to be. Hmmm. This is depressing.

When can I accept the real me, myself? Why can’t I just accept myself for who I am? It’s frustrating that I can’t connect with others (what’s connecting anyway? Well, feeling part of the group, feeling that I am accepted by the other person, other people, be assured in the thought that I am not perceived by others as a boring person). This is a perpetual problem. I think some people would nay at these thoughts of mine. But, sigh, I can’t seem to rid myself of these thoughts. Maybe, I am indeed a boring person? God help me! Haha, “WHAT CAN I DO?”- Alkan’s favourite phrase. And also, “Don’t you know … ?” or “Don’t you (verb) …?”

Oh yes, the Türks also like to use “unfortunately” which I believe, is due to the existence of “maalesef” in their vocabulary. Conversely, “unfortunately” is seldom used in spoken British English (perhaps because we don’t like unfortunate events).


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